Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Resolution Time

I hate this time of year.

It's Resolution Time. No, I'm not talking about my Resolution Process
which I invented. Oh, no, I will save that for a future post. Perhaps I should patent it first. No, I'm talking about the New Years Resolution thing. You see, I go to the gym a couple of times a week, three times if I can get away with it. And around this time of the year the gym is totally flooded with the Resolution People.

"I will go back to the gym."
"I will lose 150 pounds."
"I will not have a heart attack when I am thirty-five."

It's the same every year. These folks come in and you can always tell they have no idea what they're doing or what the 'gym etiquette' is. You know:

o Get out of the way

o Don't hog the machines
o Don't stare at the women

All the regulars know the rules and we know each other. It's only by sight, of course, we don't speak. That would create a disturbance in the force. So we can tell right away who the Resolution People are.
Tonight there was a woman on the Nautilus machine that works your back. She was using five pounds of weight, which is about the effort you would expend leaning back in your Barcalounger. And she went on FOREVER. Of course, she could, there was NO EFFORT involved. She was just. . . leaning. No etiquette.

Well, they'll be gone soon, it's already thinner than it was. We'll be back to normal in a few more days. Then we'll fall back into our normal hierarchy. Oh, yes, there's a whole caste system at the gym.
The exercise machine people hardly ever use free weights, it's not scientific enough. And the free weight people don't use the machines because it's not REALLY weightlifting. The rooms are kept separate, we don't mix here, folks. The cardio people just use the treadmills, they're not here for anything except pavement pounding. The racquetball people don't even LOOK at the rest of us, to them they're not even in a gym. And there are people who just swim and I swear some of the older guys just come in to take a shower. We stay out of each other's way and we get our stuff done.

Sometimes we collide in the steam room. It has occurred to me that I really only go to the gym to have the excuse to go in the steam room. After you've nearly killed yourself, it's a great luxury to go in and sweat all the pain out. I fill my water bottle up with ice water and pour it on my head while I'm in there so I can stay longer.

Yes, I know there's something wrong with me.

I'll tell you what, though, if I ALWAYS looked like I do after working out for an hour and half, well, the world would be a different place.

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