Tuesday, January 6, 2009

My Left Eye

I went to the eye doctor today.

My ophthalmologist is Dr. Reto, the best eye doctor on earth. I believe I've been with him for fifteen years or so, that's a long time for a doctor/patient relationship. The last such long term relationship I had was with my first dermatologist, Dr. Cott and I'd still be with him if he hadn't died.
Dr. Reto has been treating me for increased pressure in my left eye. It wasn't that it was going to blow up and pop, although how cool would THAT be? Right during some difficult meeting, there's Rich holding his head in his hands as he often does for long periods of time during meetings. Then suddenly
. . . POP!
. . . like a bubble that you blew with bubble gum.

"What happened to Rich?"

"Oh, his eye popped, now what about that outage?"

No, this pressure would build up, squeeze my optic nerve and first the peripheral vision would go and eventually. . . BLINDNESS!

Well I wasn't really up for that, my fingers aren't really sensitive enough for braille (which was named for Louis Braille who devised it when he was like twelve or something). Here's what my name looks like in braille.

Looks a little like dominoes doesn't it? Nowadays, Louis would have sued the domino people for producing something 'too similar' to his stuff. But this was 200 years ago, people weren't quite so litigious then.

The treatment I was using was not having the desired effect and my left eye still had pressure that was beyond what was desirable. So Dr. Reto recommended a different medication that has a couple of unusual side effects. (Recommended! HAH! One of the alternatives was surgery.) Because I have blue eyes, the medication would change the color of my left eye grey or brown or possibly green (red would have been cool!) The change would be permanent. I would have one blue eye and one eye of a different color.

Isn't that GREAT! Now when people ask, "What's wrong with Rich?", they'll have something specific to talk about instead of just the usual generalities. But wait, there's MORE.

He also said there's a high probability that the eyelashes of my left eye would grow thicker, longer and more luxuriant.

So, naturally, I asked him, "I suppose I'm going to have to buy a derby hat, now." He just looked at me. "You know. . . Stanley Kubrick." Still nothing. Clockwork Orange? No, it seems Dr. Reto was unfamiliar with A Clockwork Orange, because he had spent his youth studying.

I'm kind of half hoping he doesn't look it up.

So my future is appearing like Malcolm McDowell whose unborn twin brother was still buried in his skull. I hate to say it but this has potential. I can see myself giving presentations and they'll always give me what I want and no one will ask me questions because they'll want me off the stage as fast as I can go.

Give me what I want - and I will go away!"


debbie said...

You can borrow my mascara!!!

Leah Kleylein said...

welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well. I see you are mooshing all your kubrick and king references all together today.
Please don't go around like Alex, it would be strange.... :-D